Grobius Shortling's News Commentary
July 25, 1997

Reuters Hourly News Summary (pasted from AOL--thank you Steve 'Wonderful' Case)
These are supposed to be the dog days of summer. What's all this crap?

Jury: O'Connor Didn't Slander

A Los Angeles civil court jury today cleared actor Carroll O'Connor of slander charges brought by a man he accused of helping to drive his adopted son Hugh to suicide by supplying him with cocaine. O'Connor said outside the court he had no intention of continuing his campaign against convicted drug user Harry Perzigian. But, O'Connor added, ``The public will handle Harry and the people on the street will handle Harry when they see him. And he's going to have to pay for what he did.'' Perzigian sued the 72-year-old actor after O'Connor gave a series of television interviews in which he accused the songwriter of being ``a partner in murder.''
Why did this convicted drug dealer even have the right to sue Archie Bunker in the first place? I thought slander only applied when the charges were false. Chalk one up for justice -- but who paid for this trial in the first place?

New York Mob Boss Found Guilty

A jury has found Vincent ``The Chin'' Gigante, considered the last of New York's old-time Mafia dons, guilty of racketeering, conspiring to murder other mobsters and running the Genovese crime family. But jurors found him not guilty of seven murder charges. Gigante, 69, who faces the possibility of life in prison, looked up but showed no emotion as the verdict was read in Brooklyn federal court. He was given 24 hours to turn himself in at a federal prison hospital facility in North Carolina. Defense attorneys claim Gigante has been incapacitated by mental illness and heart disease for many years. He attended the trial in a wheelchair, often muttering to himself.
Got it on the Chin. What was the point of this trial? These were crimes committed many years ago, and yes, sure, he did them. But the guy is really gaga now and he's just going to end up in a prison hospital until he dies not long from now. This is vengefulness at its worst, just to build reputations among the prosecutors, some of whom will undoubtedly run for office now.

Guilty Verdict in Cosby Case

A federal jury in New York has convicted a young woman of trying to extort $40 million from actor Bill Cosby by threatening to sell a story claiming that she is his illegitimate daughter. Prosecutors said Autumn Jackson, 22, and two others had carried out a ``bold and deliberate'' scheme to threaten the reputation of one of America's best-loved entertainers. Jackson sobbed uncontrollably upon hearing the verdict, which was reached after two days of deliberations. Jackson's attorney says he'll appeal the verdict and will seek a lighter sentence than the five-year minimum suggested by court guidelines. Jackson will be sentenced Oct. 22.
Poor move on your part, Autumn, and you picked the wrong friends. Cosby's reputation is ruined anyway now, and that might after all be poetic justice (of course he's your father, you even have physical resemblances). The book should be thrown at your accomplices, but you deserve a break -- both of your Dads are shits.

Key Witness in Army Sex Hearing

A retired Army sergeant who first accused Sergeant Major of the Army Gene McKinney of sexual harassment says she felt degraded when he propositioned her while on a business trip to Hawaii last year. Retired Sgt. Maj. Brenda Hoster told a military hearing that she ``didn't know what to do'' when McKinney made advances towards her. Hoster says McKinney eventually left after kissing her. McKinney, a 29-year Army veteran and the highest-ranking enlisted soldier, is charged with sexual misconduct involving five military women. He has vehemently denied all charges. The current hearing will determine if McKinney will be court- martialed.
Oh, come on, what's all this stuff about sex in the military? What else is new in the whole of human history? Why should it now be criminal? It has traditionally been every soldier's RIGHT to commit rape and to plunder when given the opportunity even though it's a deplorable practice. Just because there's no war going on to mitigate this behavior, why should you expect them to act any differently?

More Mexican Slaves Found

U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service agents have taken into custody 16 Mexican immigrants, most of them deaf, who were held in servitude in North Carolina. An INS agent says he believes more Mexicans are being held in similar circumstances elsewhere in Sanford. The raid came just a few days after the discovery that 60 deaf Mexicans were being held captive and treated as slaves in New York City. The agent says the North Carolina raid stemmed from information the INS obtained while investigating the New York case. One man taken into custody is believed to be one of the bosses of the operation.
Well, not exactly slaves... they thought it was the land of opportunity and they could keep 10% or so of their earnings as opposed to zero percent of none. But of course the 'slaveowners' deserve everything coming to them because they are really despicable people. Yet, wasn't Fagin sort of a sympathetic character? This is one of those cases that make one ashamed of being a human being, but has an ambiguity about it where people can say "I don't exploit/am not exploited -- this is a mutually satisfactory arrangement." Repugnant relationships are still relationships. (But I've always ignored those deaf mute subway beggars anyway just as I do the homeless war vets, etc., but might spend some change on a musician or somebody who at least provides some entertainment in a bad environment -- there is something about panhandlers that makes me want to beat the shit out of them, some sort of irrational rage I can't explain.)

Progress Reported in GM Talks

Progress was reported in a three-day old General Motors parts plant strike that has already forced the shutdown of six assembly plants, affecting nearly 17,000 workers. An official with United Auto Workers Local 909 says GM and the union are close to a deal, but ``it could go another five days.'' About 2,800 members of Local 909 walked off the job Tuesday when talks on a new three-year contract broke down. The plant make automatic transmissions and has forced the automaker to idle three assembly plants in Michigan and one in Ontario, Canada. More shutdowns are expected if the strike continues.
Strikes? These days? Fire them all! American Cars would be cheaper without this sort of bullshit. (Not that I'm saying the GM workers are not being wronged, because they probably are.)

Man sues for Cunanan Reward Money

The caretaker who stumbled upon suspected serial killer Andrew Cunanan aboard a Miami Beach houseboat has filed a lawsuit to claim reward money offered for Cunanan's capture. Fernando Carreira said in the lawsuit that the city of Miami Beach and Dade County breached a contract by refusing to give him $65,000 in reward money offered by various agencies. Miami Beach police say they're not sure Carreira would qualify for the reward because he called police to report a suspected burglar and a gunshot, not mentioning Cunanan. Miami Beach city officials later said Carreira could still qualify for the reward once the investigation is completed.
Cheapskates, give it to the man! Nobody else is in a position to claim it (sure as hell not any Miami policeman or FBI agent). Not to disburse a reward if anybody has any claim to it at all is Indian Giving -- settle this one quickly, maybe only give him some of it, but do it! The money has already been written off anyway. And we no longer have to worry about the 'Loose Cunanan', except I've been pushing that pun I made up and it is already irrelevant. [Loose canon, for the ignorati, refers to the gun that breaks loose from its rope restraints on an old British Man-of-War sailing ship during an engagement with the enemy--you don't want that careening around the gun deck at a time like that, too many crushed legs, etc.]

Olympic Bomb Victims File Suit

Attorneys for 17 people injured in last year's Olympic Park bombing filed a $100 million lawsuit against Olympic organizers today, claiming the attack could have been foreseen and prevented. Attorneys filed the suit in Fulton County State Court against the Atlanta Committee for the Olympic Games, AT&T, and two security firms on behalf of 17 of the more than 100 people who were injured when the bomb went off. The explosion also caused two deaths. The suit asks for a jury trial and seeks $100 million in punitive damages and unspecified actual damages. The blast rocked Olympic Park on July 27, 1996.
Oh, come off it! The Olympic Committee didn't have anything to do with the bombing so why should they be held responsible? If some of the injured people are now basket cases, then they should be supported for the rest of their lives just out of common decency, but does someone whose ears ring every now and then deserve 100 million divided by 17 (minus about 90 million going to the lawyers)?
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Budget Deal Closer

Congressional Republicans have tentatively agreed to a White House demand to restore federal disability benefits to legal immigrants, as the two sides move closer to a deal on balanced-budget legislation. Republican leaders and the White House negotiated throughout the day, trying to work out a final deal on spending and tax legislation needed to implement a five-year balanced-budget deal. Senate Budget Committee Chairman Pete Domenici said only about six or seven spending items remain open and that the two sides hope to finish work tonight. The outlook for the tax bill is less clear.
Is all this crap about benefits for LEGAL immigrants? NOT! It is all a matter of different politicians trying to protect their different pork barrels. There is no such thing (ever) as a reduction in government spending, just that some minor groups get shafted when budgets are cut. Politically-correct people complain about endowments to the Arts (running about the cost of 5 high-tech helicopters); New York City is always open to get screwed, but in the meantime rich farmers -- never your hard-scrabble guys -- continue to get subsidized for no rational reason at all.

Witness Contradicts Barbour

A prominent Utah Republican testified today that former Republican National Committee head Haley Barbour sought a $2.1 million loan from a Hong Kong businessman in 1994 to help finance a final push to claim a Republican majority in Congress. The sworn statements of Richard Richards before the Senate panel investigating how foreign money flowed to U.S. political parties contradicted earlier testimony from Barbour. Richards said that Barbour asked him to solicit the loan from a wealthy Hong Kong entrepreneur in a complicated arrangement involving the National Policy Forum, a think-tank largely funded by the Republican Party until it was disbanded.
Ho-hum! ALL POLITICIANS ARE CORRUPT -- that's the way governing bodies function, in the ancient past and in the 21st Century. Opposition parties ALWAYS go after the others, and the IN's always go after the OUT's -- whether you call them political parties or liberation armies. That will never change!!! (Unless the Grobius Reform Amendment is passed, which will at least discourage the half-hearted band-wagoners who want a piece of the action.)

There will be more of these op-ed pages from time to time. Stay tuned. (This is the only one at the moment.)

The STRICTLY LIMITED TERM AMENDMENT
as proposed by Grobius Shortling.

In simpler times, while civilization as we know it was developing (along with bureaucracies that were needed to sustain that growth), the Ancients had sacrificial leaders -- they were periodically purged for the sins and failures and disasters of the tribal society. For the good of the Community, THE KING MUST DIE. This amendment would mandate the death penalty for any President, Senator, or Supreme Court Justice, or person of a high level, upon leaving office -- and of course there would be inflexible term limits to avoid FDR-ism. It would be tastefully done, on July 4th of course: a mass execution of retirees in these categories (maybe even some retired CEO's of big companies if the idea catches on and becomes an established custom). With elaborate ceremonies, speeches by Bishops and Priests and Rabbis, encomiums from the replacement characters, and fireworks on a spectacular scale. For dramatic emphasis, I would push for the guillotine as opposed to lethal injection. This could become a traditional feel-good holiday like Thanksgiving for the whole population. And your true idealistic politicians would welcome this cathartic finale to their careers. It would also discourage second careers as lobbyists and corporate lawyers and other parasitical pursuits. It would become a noble cause to die for the benefit of your Country.